Some days dying people can handle visits, other days they’re just too weak and tired. We’re learning that the on-duty caregiver needs to politely police visits.
This means knowing when to say, “not today.” Or being clear on the best time to visit and how long the visit should last.
Yesterday my mother’s friend Barbara called to see if she could come over for “cocktail hour” — Bette is usually up from 5- 7:30 p.m. having a martini and dinner. Bette shook her head OK while I was on the phone with Barbara and I said an hour was too much but 20 minutes would be just fine.
Related is learning how to wrap up the visit, gently — and sometimes more directly — giving the signal that it’s time to go.
We find that Bette wants to be available to people who care so much about her. We also find that she overextends herself and appreciates someone else doing the polite policing. The three questions we ask her:
- So -and-so wants to stop by today. Are you up for it? (Yes/No) (Note people with terminal cancer have up days and down days. It’s almost impossible to plan visits in advance as the person can’t predict how he or she will be feeling. Don’t be offended if people tell you that they can’t plan ahead and to please call on the day you’d like to visit. )
- Should we suggest 10 a.m. – noon or 5-6 p.m.? (Times she generally feels OK)
- What do you think — is this a 15, 30 or 45 minutes visit?
