My younger sister Renie, a successful, buttoned-up business professional, can juggle a zillion things at once. One Friday she called to report on Mom’s meeting with the oncologist in Boston.
“We had a good meeting with the oncologist today. He thinks radiology can shrink the brain tumors and then chemo can help with the lung cancer. The next appointment is ….”
“Stop, Renie,” I snapped. “Maybe all this treatment isn’t right. Maybe it’s going to make Mom sicker and ruin her quality of life, the one thing she wants.”
Radio silence.
Renie was angry. She had taken the day off from work and shepherded Bette through all kinds of appointments, taking notes, being there. What right did I, who wasn’t there, have to contradict her?
We icily closed the conversation, saying we’d talk later.
I felt awful. Renie’s take-charge approach felt controlling to me that day, too black-and-white, too decisive. Like she was in control and not Bette. And, of course, I’m sure I came across as the bossy older sister, always taking over, questioning others’ opinions.
I sent an email the next day apologizing about cutting her off. I thanked her for all she was doing, acknowledging how hard it is for all of us trying to find our way in helping Mom. She wrote back:
Lo,
I know you were reacting to the news – it’s OK to vent on me!
I spoke to the Oncologist this morning and will try to reach the Nurse
Practitioner this afternoon to get more insight on the chemo side
effects, etc.
R
There will be angry words. Pain and sorrow can bring out our ugly sides. Let it go. Let it go. Keep those you love close. Together you’ll be stronger. And you’re going to need all that strength in the coming weeks and months.
Tags: Communications