Getting the news that you have incurable cancer is like being shot into some sort of bizarre parallel universe. First you keep trying to make sense of it all. How could it be the world I knew no longer is? But I have to deal with this new universe because I am still alive. I am me, still.
Just as you’re trying to make sense of this new life that you never intended and never wanted, you get slapped by well intentioned people smothering you with platitudes.
(The definition of platitude is “a pointless, unoriginal or empty comment or statement made as though it were significant or helpful.”)
“I can deal with the cancer,” said Bette, ” but PLEASE spare me the sympathy. I can’t stand it when people give me these pitying looks, and tell me things like, ‘I know how you must feel. But you have to be strong and hopeful. Sometimes people live much longer than the doctors ever expect.’
“I’m OK with dying, why can’t they be?”
I witnessed one such sympathy encounter. While my mother’s manners prevent her from ever being rude, I could read her body language and tone, which, if translated, would have gone something like: “Get this boob the hell out of here. She has no idea what it’s like to be told you’re dying. Telling me to “have hope” is so condescendingly stupid and inane. And she just seems to keep blabbing on and on about nothing, which is exhausting. This is why I’m starting to dread visitors.”
So a few things to avoid:
- I’m so, so sorry. I can’t believe this is happening to someone like you.
- Oh my god, what are you going to do?
- Have you talked with your doctor about homeopathic, alternative medicine treatments? You know there are a lot of options out there that doctors don’t know about.
- This is a time where you must have faith in God.
- You must feel so grateful that your children are nearby.
What is helpful:
- Simply say, “I heard the news.” Then let the ill person respond. She or he will likely direct the conversation towards what is comfortable for them. And remember, this is about them and not about you.
- Pick up on the ill person’s cues. Often I hear my mother say to someone, “Let’s not talk about that.” That’s the request to please, please NOT talk about that topic. Drop it. Avoid it like the plague or the metastatic cancer that it is.
When visiting bring a plant, bring a book, bring some good English tea, but please, no sympathy.
