Playing “let’s pretend” is a quaint game for children. ” Now, you pretend that you’re an astronaut caught in space, and I’m a teacher trying to save you….”
But as adults, playing “pretend” in our heads can drag down the terminally ill person. Intentions that “things might be much better in a couple of months” may help you cope with your sadness, but too often good intentions are cloaked in denial, and that denial is a really bad-ass energy vampire. Maybe a bad-ass energy vampire swarm, sucking the energy from the dying person who has to once again explain the real deal.
One of Bette’s friends explained that they were moving the June investment club meeting halfway between Boston and the Cape to make it easier for Bette to attend.
Bette was astounded. Truly. She had told her friend how ill she was, dying really. Could she have been more frank? What’s with the denial?
“I really don’t think I’ll be in any shape to go,” said Bette.
“Well maybe instead of dinner we could change it to lunch if that would be easier,” said her friend.
“Really, don’t plan around me. I’m in no condition to be planning eight weeks out,” said Bette, exhausted from having to again remind people how very sick she is.
When in doubt with a terminally ill person, look at him or her. I mean really take a close look. Is their speech slower than usual? What about their body language — perhaps more stooped in the shoulders? Are they walking more cautiously and slowly? And, the clothes, hanging off a bit? Do they eat much? What about the eyelids? Probably a bit drooped.
When you hear someone is very ill, be more aware, and then respect what you see. Even more, respect what they say.
Instead of presuming, ask gently, “Do you think you might be up for going to an investment meeting in the coming weeks?”
Then listen. The terminally ill person will tell you whether she thinks it’s possible, or to please count her out.
Flash forward from young kids’ playing pretend to teenagers denying what they were really up to while you were out on Saturday night. Ah, you can sniff the denial. And it’s making you angry, really angry.
Kids playing pretend was easy as a parent. Denial often rips our guts out. Never mind our hearts.
That’s how a terminally ill person feels when we don’t accept her new circumstances.